| | | 35 | | the grown-ups who held the reins | | | | | own young, even when they are |
| | | | of power. “Remember, the world | | | | | being a danger to themselves and |
| | | | doesn’t revolve around you,” my | | | 90 | | others, because they are under the |
| | | | mother would chide, and I think of | | | | | impression that it will do untold |
| | | | her words often these days as I | | | | | psychological damage. “Because I |
| | 40 | | look at my own daughter. | | | | | say so,” is no longer an acceptable |
| 4 | | | “The joys of parents are secret, | | | | | clincher; instead, subtle arguments |
| | | | and so are their griefs and fears,” | | | 95 | | must be used to persuade little |
| | | | wrote Francis Bacon in the 17th | | | | | Matthew to stop pouring sand into |
| | | | century. For almost 400 years, to | | | | | Alice’s ear. |
| | 45 | | confess that you found parenthood | | 8 | | | Of course, we now have our off- |
| | | | intolerable or had awful children | | | | | spring much later. In the Fifties, |
The business of bringing | | | | | whom you couldn’t handle was | | | 100 | | the gap between school and |
up children used to be | | | | | more shameful than unemploy- | | | | | motherhood was just a |
taken for granted, then | | | | | ment or debt. | | | | | few years. Liberty was a holiday |
along came something | | 5 | 50 | | Not any more. The shattered | | | | | in between. Today, the maternity |
called parenting. Allison | | | | | whispers about tantrums or | | | | | wards of Britain are bulging with |
Pearson reports | | | | | sleepless nights are growing into a | | | 105 | | elderly women who are about the |
| | | | | | | | chorus of exasperation. In | | | | | age my grandmother was when |
1 | | | IT IS a commonplace that | | | | | “Family Values”, a Modern Times | | | | | my mother had me. Women in |
| | | each generation thinks it has | | | 55 | | BBC2 documentary, two couples | | | | | their late thirties and early forties |
| | | invented sex, but it has taken | | | | | owned up to being driven bonkers | | | | | have grown so used to their |
| | | my own generation to push | | | | | by their kids. They charge through | | | 110 | | independent life that the sudden |
| 5 | | that belief to its logical con- | | | | | their parents’ pleasant homes like | | | | | wrenching away of freedom feels |
| | | clusion: we are the first parents. | | | | | a herd of stubborn ponies. Amalia | | | | | like having a leg cut off. |
| | | Now, older readers may cite | | | 60 | | and John, who both had strict | | 9 | | | We place more importance on |
| | | evidence to the contrary: our own | | | | | upbringings, say they wanted | | | | | children than ever before and yet |
| | | mothers and fathers, for example. | | | | | something more relaxed for their | | | 115 | | we spend less time with them. To |
| 10 | | But I’m not sure that our parents | | | | | own infants: the result has been | | | | | resolve this painful contradiction, |
| | | or their parents really qualify as | | | | | chaos and attention deficit | | | | | we have developed advanced |
| | | parents in any sense that is | | | 65 | | disorder. | | | | | categories of being – the New |
| | | meaningful to my contemporaries. | | 6 | | | But why do modern parents | | | | | Mother, who puts in eight hours at |
2 | | | Photographic records suggest | | | | | face these kinds of problems? | | | 120 | | the office and then further |
| 15 | | that they brought us home from | | | | | There are a number of answers. | | | | | exhausts herself at weekends |
| | | the hospital, they fed us toast and | | | | | Firstly, the move from adult- | | | | | doing “quality time” with the kids, |
| | | Marmite, they cleaned out the | | | 70 | | centred families to child-centred | | | | | and the New Man who tries to do |
| | | guinea-pigs, they provided food, | | | | | ones has been the source of | | | | | the same. |
| | | stories, affection, complicated | | | | | punishing stress. As Kate Figes | | 10 | 125 | | The New Man and the New |
| 20 | | lessons in table manners, occa- | | | | | points out in her timely and | | | | | Mother are products of cultural |
| | | sional smacks, caravan holidays in | | | | | gloriously sane new book, Life | | | | | hopefulness, but children are not |
| | | Devon and so on. But there was | | | 75 | | After Birth (What Even Your | | | | | susceptible to social and political |
| | | little or no self-consciousness | | | | | Friends Won’t Tell You About | | | | | pressure. They remind us of the |
| | | about their role: they did not waste | | | | | Motherhood), technology was | | | 130 | | fact that we cannot always |
| 25 | | time fretting about the meaning or | | | | | liberating womankind from | | | | | engineer the world according to |
| | | the consequences of their actions. | | | | | domestic tasks just as a new | | | | | our requirements. We have made |
3 | | | These mothers and fathers | | | 80 | | wave of childcare theories came | | | | | our children the kings and queens |
| | | were not laboratory assistants in | | | | | in to swamp her: theories such | | | | | of the castle: little wonder if they |
| | | the new science of “parenting”; | | | | | as Carl Rogers’s “unconditional | | | 135 | | take us prisoner and throw away |
| 30 | | for the most part, they were happy | | | | | positive regard”, which stipulates | | | | | the key. |
| | | if the kids were bathed and in bed | | | | | that children must still feel valued | | | | | |
| | | before Call My Bluff was on TV. | | | 85 | | even when behaving badly. | | | | | |
| | | Children could be both seen and | | 7 | | | Like Figes, I have seen moth- | | | | | ‘The Weekly Telegraph’, |
| | | heard, in moderation, but it was | | | | | ers who are afraid to chastise their | | | | | March 4, 1998 |